Proud

PROUD


1. Feeling pleasurable satisfaction over an act, possession, quality, or relationship by which one measures one's stature or self-worth: proud of one's child; proud to serve one's country.
2. Occasioning or being a reason for pride
3. Feeling or showing justifiable self-respect.
4. Filled with or showing excessive self-esteem.

I have recently heard several women who are "full-figured" comment about their size. They have proclaimed that they are proud of their size. Proud of their fat, cellulite, their figure, etc. So I looked up the definition of "proud". I always thought pride came from some sort of accomplishment. After reading the definition, that is not always true. Apparently a person can have pride in a possession. I don't understand pride in a possession. Unless you worked hard for that possession. "relationship by which one measures one's stature or self-worth: proud of one's child; proud to serve one's country." A person can be proud of these things and it can help with a person's self-worth.


The second definition makes sense. "Occasioning or being a reason for pride" Having a reason for the pride. An accomplishment, a goal achieved, a struggle overcome, putting forth an effort, bettering one's self. All things to be proud of... How can someone be proud of being fat? I can understand accepting being fat, or coming to terms with being fat. Proud of being fat sounds like proud of being lazy. Sure there are medical reasons for some people to be fat. The majority of people that are fat, are fat because they eat too much, don't exercise, and make poor food choices. I am one of those people. I can't control my eating. I get lazy and don't exercise. It's much easier to sit in front of the television than go for a walk. It's more pleasurable to eat a plate of nachos than eat something healthy.

I do believe a lot of overweight people have a different mindset. I personally have issues with food. I think about food from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep at night. I even dream about food. When I wake up in the morning I think about what I am going to eat that day. I think about food all the time. It's very weird, and I don't understand it. I don't think the average person thinks this way. So this just makes this struggle all the more difficult for me. It's easy for someone to tell me to just quit eating so much. That is much easier said than done. I sometimes wish I were an alcoholic rather than an over eater. You can eliminate alcohol from your body and remove all temptation around you. Food is everywhere and accepted everywhere and you have to eat food to live. You can't eliminate food from your life.

So back to people that are proud to be fat... I can totally understand a person that has accepted their body. I can understand having self-esteem, and not hating yourself for being fat. I admire people that are able to do that. A person's body type does not define who they are as a person. The body is just the wrapping paper that encloses what is inside. But personally I cannot accept myself being fat. I don't like the way I look. I don't like having rolls of fat. I don't like feeling sluggish. I don't like feeling unhealthy. I don't like not being able to wear the clothes that I want to wear. I am not comfortable in this body, it does not feel like "me". I'm not saying I want to be skinny. I want to feel comfortable in my body. I want to feel healthy. I'll never have society's example of a great body and that's OK. I can accept that. If I work hard I can be proud of my body. I can take control over what I put in my mouth, and become more active. If I achieve this I can be proud of myself.

If you read number four in the above definition, being proud can be a negative thing also. Excessive self-esteem. Everyone knows someone like this. Brags constantly about themselves. Flaunts their body, accomplishments or intelligence with arrogance or by belittling someone else. There is something to be said for a bit of humility. There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. Classy and trashy.

I am going to do my best to lose this weight. Hopefully I will be proud of myself one day and achieve my own self-worth and happiness...

Starting new

Well, I'm going to be truthful here. I weigh 240 pounds. Yep, I'm as big as an NFL linebacker! This is the heaviest I've ever been. Pretty scary.

I joined Weight Watcher's yesterday. I'm doing the plan where you track points. It gives you freedom to eat what you want but it's about portion control. So far today I did really well. I actually have 8.5 points left and I've eaten all my meals and I'm full. That's a good thing.

Hopefully I can control any binge eating. I really wish I would feel better and be able to go back to working. I do so much better when I'm working. Keeps my mind busy. Even when I'm working at a restaurant, I stay busy and don't get hungry.

Wish me luck. I need to lose 75 pounds! Yikes!! I'll be happy when my thighs don't rub together!!!

Here piggy, piggy, piggy...

I woke up today and decided to weigh myself. I haven't done so in quite awhile. The scale has been taunting me for the last couple of weeks, but I have refused to step on until today. I am at the same weight I was when I weighed my heaviest! I looked at myself in the mirror. I mean really looked at myself. Women know what I'm talking about. How when you gain weight but don't really look closely at yourself in the mirror. This morning I really checked myself out.

I can really see the fat... Fat in my arms, my belly looks like I'm pregnant, I have a few chins, and my legs look like huge tree stumps. I have cellulite in places I didn't know you could get cellulite. I was truly disgusted with what I saw. Those women that say they are happy with being fat? Who are they kidding? Come on! Who wants to have thighs that rub together, or rolls of fat for a belly? How about fatty cellulite on your arms, or nice attractive roll of fat hanging over their jeans? I feel just plain gross. My stomach actually gets in the way, I can't find clothes that fit anymore. I'm back to wearing stretch pants and XXL t-shirts all the time.

I don't know why I let myself get this way. What the hell is wrong with me? I hate myself, and the way I look. I refuse to socialize anymore. I wait until it's dark outside to check the mail, the highlight of my day. I can feel the fat jiggle on my calves when I walk. Who has fat on their calves? That's beyond ridiculous! I feel like a damn linebacker or something...

Each day is a new day and I tell myself that I will change. But I never do. I continue to eat. I don't even know why I eat. It's as though food is always in the back of my mind, it's as though it has control over me. Is this how it is for drug addicts? I eat in secret. I binge eat. Do you realize how much food is a part of life, culture, celebration? It is everywhere. You can't drive down the street for 5 minutes without passing several fast food restaurants, grocery stores, donut stores, etc. Constant television commercials with scrumptious food teasing us. An entire television station dedicated to food. We celebrate with food, mourn with food, drink with food. Baby showers, weddings, parties, birthdays, sports events, you name it and there is plenty of food to be had.

I have struggled with this since a young girl. One of my most clear memories as a young girl in 3rd grade is of another girl calling me fat. I remember it as if it was yesterday. I've seen pictures of me at that age. I did not look fat. It is just something driven into girls growing up. Yes, I mean girls. It is different for men. Men are readily accepted with extra weight on them. It is driven into girls' heads growing up to be thin. I was constantly on a diet all through junior high and high school. I bought my first piece of exercise equipment when I was around 11 or 12 years old. It was one of those rope things that you hook to a doorknob in your house. You put your hands and feet in loops and pull down with your hands and it raised your legs. I don't think it did much to rid myself of excess fat!

I don't think being fat is healthy, but do we really have to be skinny? That is what celebrities and the media show us is beautiful. When a size 6 or 8 is considered fat, that is insane! I know I am not healthy. I know I am not attractive. I know this is because I continue to shove more food in my mouth and don't exercise. I have made a few small steps. I've ridden my exercise bike a few times this week. I try to go a couple of extra minutes each time. The food part of it is difficult. I don't eat a lot of junk food. I'm not one to eat candy bars, cakes, or sweets. I just eat too much of other food. I eat healthy food. I love salads, chicken, vegetables. But if I make a salad, I make a BIG salad! Lots of veggies, chopped egg, and cheese. Ahhh yes, cheese. I love cheese. I digress.

I'm not sure if or when I might get this weight off. Until I do, I will continue to be a recluse. It's gotten to the point that I don't want anyone to see me. I don't want to be seen at a restaurant and be one of the fat people that others make fun of. How about going to a gym you might ask? Hmmppff! I don't think so! A bunch of skinny bitches working out around me, laughing? Not my idea of a positive experience.

I can do this on my own. I've done it before. I've been in pretty good shape before. So why did I let myself get this way? I'm not sure. I could blame it on my medications. Prednisone can make a person hungry, but it didn't just shove the food in my mouth. It can be a combination of many things. Depression, medications, laziness, isolation, frustration and pain from RA. Who really knows? I am going to try and get this weight off. I am going to continue to exercise when I can. Sometimes with the RA it is not possible. And I am serious when I say it is impossible. When my joints are in so much pain that one small movement can cause me to scream out loud, I don't think hopping on the exercise bike is going to happen. I am going to try and control what I eat.

This is just adding to my isolation and loneliness. It's amazing how getting fat can ruin any bit of self-esteem I had. I don't want my friends to see me like this. Hell I don't even want to look at myself! All I know right now is that I am absolutely, totally disgusted with myself.