Here piggy, piggy, piggy...

I woke up today and decided to weigh myself. I haven't done so in quite awhile. The scale has been taunting me for the last couple of weeks, but I have refused to step on until today. I am at the same weight I was when I weighed my heaviest! I looked at myself in the mirror. I mean really looked at myself. Women know what I'm talking about. How when you gain weight but don't really look closely at yourself in the mirror. This morning I really checked myself out.

I can really see the fat... Fat in my arms, my belly looks like I'm pregnant, I have a few chins, and my legs look like huge tree stumps. I have cellulite in places I didn't know you could get cellulite. I was truly disgusted with what I saw. Those women that say they are happy with being fat? Who are they kidding? Come on! Who wants to have thighs that rub together, or rolls of fat for a belly? How about fatty cellulite on your arms, or nice attractive roll of fat hanging over their jeans? I feel just plain gross. My stomach actually gets in the way, I can't find clothes that fit anymore. I'm back to wearing stretch pants and XXL t-shirts all the time.

I don't know why I let myself get this way. What the hell is wrong with me? I hate myself, and the way I look. I refuse to socialize anymore. I wait until it's dark outside to check the mail, the highlight of my day. I can feel the fat jiggle on my calves when I walk. Who has fat on their calves? That's beyond ridiculous! I feel like a damn linebacker or something...

Each day is a new day and I tell myself that I will change. But I never do. I continue to eat. I don't even know why I eat. It's as though food is always in the back of my mind, it's as though it has control over me. Is this how it is for drug addicts? I eat in secret. I binge eat. Do you realize how much food is a part of life, culture, celebration? It is everywhere. You can't drive down the street for 5 minutes without passing several fast food restaurants, grocery stores, donut stores, etc. Constant television commercials with scrumptious food teasing us. An entire television station dedicated to food. We celebrate with food, mourn with food, drink with food. Baby showers, weddings, parties, birthdays, sports events, you name it and there is plenty of food to be had.

I have struggled with this since a young girl. One of my most clear memories as a young girl in 3rd grade is of another girl calling me fat. I remember it as if it was yesterday. I've seen pictures of me at that age. I did not look fat. It is just something driven into girls growing up. Yes, I mean girls. It is different for men. Men are readily accepted with extra weight on them. It is driven into girls' heads growing up to be thin. I was constantly on a diet all through junior high and high school. I bought my first piece of exercise equipment when I was around 11 or 12 years old. It was one of those rope things that you hook to a doorknob in your house. You put your hands and feet in loops and pull down with your hands and it raised your legs. I don't think it did much to rid myself of excess fat!

I don't think being fat is healthy, but do we really have to be skinny? That is what celebrities and the media show us is beautiful. When a size 6 or 8 is considered fat, that is insane! I know I am not healthy. I know I am not attractive. I know this is because I continue to shove more food in my mouth and don't exercise. I have made a few small steps. I've ridden my exercise bike a few times this week. I try to go a couple of extra minutes each time. The food part of it is difficult. I don't eat a lot of junk food. I'm not one to eat candy bars, cakes, or sweets. I just eat too much of other food. I eat healthy food. I love salads, chicken, vegetables. But if I make a salad, I make a BIG salad! Lots of veggies, chopped egg, and cheese. Ahhh yes, cheese. I love cheese. I digress.

I'm not sure if or when I might get this weight off. Until I do, I will continue to be a recluse. It's gotten to the point that I don't want anyone to see me. I don't want to be seen at a restaurant and be one of the fat people that others make fun of. How about going to a gym you might ask? Hmmppff! I don't think so! A bunch of skinny bitches working out around me, laughing? Not my idea of a positive experience.

I can do this on my own. I've done it before. I've been in pretty good shape before. So why did I let myself get this way? I'm not sure. I could blame it on my medications. Prednisone can make a person hungry, but it didn't just shove the food in my mouth. It can be a combination of many things. Depression, medications, laziness, isolation, frustration and pain from RA. Who really knows? I am going to try and get this weight off. I am going to continue to exercise when I can. Sometimes with the RA it is not possible. And I am serious when I say it is impossible. When my joints are in so much pain that one small movement can cause me to scream out loud, I don't think hopping on the exercise bike is going to happen. I am going to try and control what I eat.

This is just adding to my isolation and loneliness. It's amazing how getting fat can ruin any bit of self-esteem I had. I don't want my friends to see me like this. Hell I don't even want to look at myself! All I know right now is that I am absolutely, totally disgusted with myself.